Anti-Aging Secrets of the Mega-Rich | The New Yorker

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A growing number of the world’s richest entrepreneurs are using their
wealth to fight aging. They’re taking supplements, abiding by austere
fitness routines, and investing millions into longevity research.
—Business Insider

Over the two-day [Longevity Investors Conference] event, scientists
and biotech founders made the case for various approaches to
prolonging the number of years we might spend in good health. And the
majority of them were trying to win over deep-pocketed investors. —MIT Technology Review

How old would you guess I am? No need to say it out loud, just picture the number in your head. Now take that number (I’m no mind reader, but it’s fifty-nine), bump it up by a college sophomore, and you’ve got my true chronological age: seventy-eight. Shocked? Of course you are. These sure don’t look like a septuagenarian’s earlobes: zero droop, no unsightly hair. I’m not too humble to say it—you might be looking at the youngest “old man” on God’s big blue orb. And it’s all thanks to technology that you’ll learn about today, because you made the smart decision to be wealthy enough to be invited to this year’s Prolongitek V.I.P. Investors’ Cruise. Give yourselves a round of applause. No hard claps, just finger taps—you don’t want to end up with workman’s knuckle.

I hope you enjoyed today’s Longevity Lunch of 2.5 ounces of low-oxygen air and a high-altitude gooseberry. Now that you’ve super-activated your spine methyl, it’s time to get to the dilemma that has plagued philosophers for centuries: Why should man be cursed to age and decay, while his money remains immortal? Well, many high-net-worth visionaries have been seeking the answer, and they’ve found it in Prolongitek.

So, what is this breakthrough? Don’t listen to the anti-prosperity crowd—it’s far more than a protein-rich pudding. And, trust me, it goes way beyond blood transfusions from a teen-age gibbon. I’m going to say some powerful words to you now: A.I., crypto, telomeres, cell rejuvenation, CRISPR, skin juice, meta-shirt. Prolongitek is pouring research into all of these, and, I promise you, not a drop of that research is woke.

This is your time. You’ve given so much to earn your wealth, and now you’re ready to give future generations the incredible gift of more of you. The years you add to your life will be vital and fulfilling. You will be surrounded by loved ones who admire your dedication to spending nineteen hours a day in a trough of omega-3-nutrient jello.

But we can’t get to the future if we accept the old, conventional wisdom that people die. No, sir. That’s why you must act now. Please direct your attention to Mr. Flintock Feister, one of our Infinity Tier investors. Flin, give us a blink. There he is, right next to the Crown Prince’s attaché, looking as robust as the day he founded the Caldera Group. Would you believe that Flintock is still C.E.O. at the chronological age of a hundred and six? That number even makes him laugh, or produce some sort of noiseless joyful scream. I see the outgoing-message light flashing on Flin’s communication pad. Folks, he just sent this to me: “I may be a hundred and six, but, thanks to Prolongitek, my biological age is ninety-one!” followed by a bunch of pornographic GIFs. And they say bone mass peaks at age twenty-nine! I’m joking, because laughter is the best medicine, which is why tonight’s Endurance Dinner is an I.V. drip of distilled macaw laughter.

Our friend Flintock has already put a significant sum of Swiss francs behind Prolongitek, and he’s not alone. I can’t divulge our other big-name backers, but let’s just say one of them runs a major social-media company and has already replaced his skin with a sun-resistant polymer. Another is a leader in generative computing who wants to live to see the A.I. revolution that he paid for. As do I. In fact, I do this work because I hope to be around when machine intelligence rules supreme, and treats humanity with the same sympathetic dignity that we show lesser creatures. Which reminds me—it’s time to end the rumor that Prolongitek is just packets of powdered dolphin scrotum.

Now let’s bring out the infant. Don’t be alarmed—his parents signed a very generous N.D.A. This little guy is teaching our scientists about the youthful microbiome, in between scheduled fun in the Stimulation Atrium. Be honest, everyone, who’s got smoother cheeks, me or him? O.K., O.K., I’m not quite there yet. But with Prolongitek I’m catching up, baby! Great, back to the cryonics play lab with you.

Ah, I see it’s time for my evening life-enhancement regimen of two hours on the stair-climber in lunar atmospheric conditions. It’s not easy, but it’s worth it. Much like the decision you’re about to make regarding your personal fortune. Before you do, I urge you: imagine your millions of fellow-citizens, of every race, creed, and social status, who stand to benefit from your choice today. They get your estate tax only if you die. Don’t let them have it—invest in tomorrow now! ♦

This content was originally published here.

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